Dear Friends:
On the last post, I gave you a partial list of the right side of the chart in the Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU). The purpose of this post is to complete the list, give an example from my life of the interplay of both sides of the chart, and to give you a worksheet to help you examine the role of the entire system of IU in your own life.
In the last post I ended with the tools of ignoring. We will start back by adding to the list avoiding:
There are many ways to avoid things. A person can physically stay clear or maybe they over plan to avoid a poor outcome by trying to keep disapproval at bay. I think one of the most common ways of using avoiding is to not bring up things that bother you so you can avoid an argument. The belief is that this feels like you have more control than opening up and then not knowing how the other person will respond. In this, a person misses out on the gifts in communication of learning how to talk about longings (instead of complaining), how to be curious (rather than defensive), and how to listen to the feelings and heart of the other person to develop compassion over frustration.
Another tool used in lack of action is denying:
Denying is a way of trying to rewrite a truth or reality hoping you’ll feel better about the alternate state you are trying to create. A common use of this tool is in denying feelings. If someone you care about has hurt you, you might say, “I just don’t care anymore”, or “I’m fine”, or “It doesn’t matter”. In a workshop I attended several years ago with John and Julie Gottman and Dan Siegel, Julie had us do an exercise where we closed our eyes and told ourselves something that in reality we did not believe. I said to myself, “I hate learning”. She then had us pay attention to our bodies to see what experience we were having. My heart was racing, I had heartburn, and my body was tense. Julie then had us tell ourselves the truth opposite of the earlier lie. Mine was, “I love learning”. She had us once again pay attention to our bodies and note the experience. My heart had calmed down, my heart burn had ceased, and my body had relaxed! I encourage you to utilize this tool of listening to your body as a way of checking to make sure you aren’t using denying as a tool in changing your truths!
Finally, a secondary emotional response to anxiety on the lack of action side is depression:
It makes sense that the lack of action side could produce depression. If a person feels they can’t get control it feels like powerlessness and helplessness in trying to change the uncertainties of life. Depression has a “why bother” theme to it. Depression can cause a lack of interest in things that a person would otherwise enjoy. In the words of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, “It’s all for naught”; the state of depression makes one feel as if nothing matters. In an odd way, this is a way of making the uncertain certain by deciding that nothing matters or can change. Also, in the intolerance of uncertainty, people tend to assume that they will feel better if they believe the outcome of something is going to be negative than to leave it uncertain (Zlomke & Young 2009, p. 671). We have all heard or said something to the effect, “I just know I will flunk the test” or “I know he/she will just say no to my request”. Watch for such decisions or statements in your own life!
Let’s put the Lack of Action into the chart:
Here is an example of how this whole system and an interaction of both the Action side and the Lack of Action side played out in my own life.
Five years ago, Dave and I purchased our dream home, a custom 1959 house in an established neighborhood built around a golf course. The house had “good bones” as they say but needed every inch of the house renovated. Others thought we were crazy but one look and Dave and I both had a vision of possible beauty exploding in our heads! We bought the house right on the cusp of a booming seller’s market from a man who sadly had to sell the house due to his own personal losses.
One of my favorite things in renovating a house is to take the ugly and transform it into beautiful. I found myself obsessing about the plan to take our home from it’s very ugly state to something warm and beautiful. I was definitely busy and wanted a perfect outcome and I wanted it right now! Then, the next thing I knew was that I was waking up in the middle of the night worrying about whether we, as had the previous owner, might ever come to a financial place of having to sell the home (even though we had invested wisely and yet fairly). For me, the thought of putting so much into this transformation process to possibly have to sell it someday felt excruciating. My Intolerance of Uncertainty was about not knowing if this would truly be our forever home. I did keep busy in the process of helping Dave with the renovations, but I decided to numb my feelings and deny that I really did love the house and in so doing I found myself slightly depressed. The underlying culprit was indeed the Intolerance of Uncertainty–would we ever have to sell this house? I am rushing ahead a bit into solution, but I finally decided to proceed whole heartedly with the perspective that what I knew was that at the beginning of every day we had the house and I could enjoy it!
“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” Virginia Woolf
Below is a chart that you can print (see instructions on the “Tips” page located on the “Home” page) to help you determine the role of this system in your own life!
Blessings to you on your journey toward healing!
Shari