“Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position. But certainty is an absurd one.” Voltaire
Dear Friends:
Let’s keep going with our chart and look at two different reactions a person can have after the Intolerance of Uncertainty has led to trying to get control through worry and the resulting anxiety. This week, let’s add to the left side of the chart.
This side I call the “Action” response to the Intolerance of Uncertainty and trying to get control. This Action side comes from a belief that the person can get control. Added to the chart on IU, it looks like this:
Now let’s start looking at the tools (dysfunctional tools) a person uses when on the action side:
The first tool mentioned on the action side is “Obsessive” as the person who is trying to get control is analyzing and over-thinking trying to figure out how to get control. This may include researching, looking at things from all angles, or imagining different outcomes. This is very draining!
The second tool is perfectionism. Perfectionism is a belief in the ability to do something without any error, no matter how small. Perfectionism can appear to do many things for the person using this tool. One is a belief that if you are perfect, no one can criticize you. Another is that if you have done something perfectly, you have more control (an error would make you believe you didn’t have control). The truth is, no one, as a human being, is capable of perfection, especially all the time. This is a very draining process that ends up making most people underestimate the quality of the outcome of whatever they are doing resulting in lack of satisfaction.
This fourth tool, Over planning, is tricky. Planning in and of itself is not bad. Some people are naturally geared for living life with a plan and the absence of a plan can add to their anxiety. This Over planning is being too wrapped up in the details and the person who uses this is falsely believing in having control over many more factors over which the person actually has no control. The Over planning is based on a false belief, “If I have the perfect plan, I can make the uncertain certain!” It’s a lot of work and as you could imagine, exhausting since there are so many moving parts to consider and put into the plan.
Busyness, or hyper-drive, is the activity of putting the said plan into action. This busyness is about doing all the things that the person believes will give him/her control in making the uncertain certain. Once the plan starts being set in motion, it may feel to the person using this that they have a dozen plates they have to keep spinning. The person who uses this tool often has difficulty relaxing or taking time just for themselves. Another addition to the list of exhausting elements of IU!
As you can imagine, another tool of trying to get control to make the uncertain certain is by being Controlling. This can be in controlling others by getting them to participate in your plan. This can be by controlling circumstances to guide to a desired outcome. This person might insist that they do all of the work necessary to get control. People might use money, activities, influence, or spinning information to get a desired outcome. The hope is that if this person can control all factors, the person will have control and be able to make the uncertain certain. This is exhausting as well, and from the control worksheet in Post #6 one can see that energy put into trying to control something you can’t is futile!
There is a very black and white, narrow perspective of the person who uses being Rigid as a tool. After all, in their minds, if there isn’t a definitive answer, then uncertainty only increases. This has the element of having a false sense of control in that a very specific answer or path means this person has been able to make the uncertain certain in their narrow view. This black and white, all-or-none perspective only increases anxiety and can also lead to being judgmental when a differing opinion threatens the absolute answer the person is believing will make the uncertain certain. This causes both weariness and difficulty in relationship dynamics.
Anger is a secondary emotional reaction to anxiety when a person who is trying to get control feels like someone else or something has blocked their ability to gain control. Maybe the other person won’t cooperate or disagrees with the plan. Maybe circumstances don’t play out like the person thought they would. The anger comes when the hope of making the uncertain certain is crushed. Typically, anger is a tool used to try to get control by getting the other person to see the importance of the plan of action. Although this anger can at first be energizing, in the end it is exhausting!
Below is the whole Action side added to our chart:
Here is a small example of how my choice of this action side has played out in my own life. (By the way, this side is my favorite dysfunctional way of dealing with IU!!) Dave and I have a friend who owns a condo on Lake Dillon in a beautiful area of the Rocky Mountains that she sometimes offers for us to use. I am a planner by nature and I have realized over the years that in the absence of a plan I can get anxious (it’s uncertain!). On the way up the mountains to Dillon I think/obsess over what we are going to do when we get up there. I go on a fact-finding hunt and ask Dave what he wants to do when we get there. Dave, in his leisure time, likes to live in the moment so he will say “I don’t know.” I then start listing ideas of what we could do (trying to control by making this uncertain plan certain), all ideas of which are very busy! He doesn’t take the bate and sticks with his “I don’t know” and then as tension builds, I get angry, not in a direct way, but through passive-aggressive sullenness. It usually ends up creating a gap, not closeness for these trips. In my life and in yours we might all see a connection and interplay of these Action tools at work in our lives in our own dealings with IU and trying to make the uncertain certain!
In your own consideration of the presence of the tools in the Action side relative to IU, consider the following questions:
Are there any of the tools listed on the Action side that I utilize in my own life? Are there some that I use more than others?
In what ways do these tools give me a sense of getting control? Does this work for me in the end in alleviating my worry and anxiety?
Do I tend to be direct or indirect with my anger?
Think of one or two circumstances where you employed these tools to try to make the uncertain certain. What was the uncertainty you thought you couldn’t handle?
When your stress increases, are you more likely to use these tools?
Figuring out this role of dysfunctional tools is a very important part of the healing process so I hope that you are able to see how this Action side may have played out in your life! Next week, we will look at the right side of the chart as a very different response to the Intolerance of Uncertainty and trying to make the uncertain certain!
Blessings to you on your journey toward healing!
Shari